One of the earliest connections I made upon my arrival was with a -- [ oh, she breathes out. before today, she thought this might be easier. simpler. but there's a heavy ache in her heart as she considers how to introduce jim barnes. she misses him terribly. even now, she wonders what sort of world he returned to. ]
He went by the name Jim. And he told me how during the battle on that HYDRA train, it was his world's Steve Rogers who fell. He took up his best friend's mantle. He became Captain America.
[ peggy cues up the shield intel file on her device, and leans forward just far enough to show steve: a document outlining the battle of new york against the chitauri -- but there is no ROGERS, STEVE present in the text. only BARNES, JIM. ]
Jim was as good as the Winter Soldier's keeper while he was here. For him, it must have been like trying to help heal a version of himself.
[ he takes the device from her, looks at it for a long moment without saying anything. Winn and Hank warned him about this but faced with this other world, there is only one conclusion Steve reaches to. ]
[ it hadn't been easy for her -- to learn about even one untouchable world where steve didn't survive as he did in her own, eventually. it had felt like grief, doubled. like a second cut, down to the bone. ]
You both made your choices. [ remember this speech, steve? ] And I choose to respect those choices. Both alternatives.
[ lost in thoughts of bucky, her words suddenly throw him to the present, this and now where she had lost him once and in a way twice and once over when he left the last time and suddenly, he wants to fall onto his knees before her and apologize for it all, everything he did or will do to her. ]
Peggy -
[ there's so much to say that lies between them and none of it will be enough ]
I don't blame you. [ her shoulders are squared. the room seems to melt away -- awkwardness and worries about what's appropriate and what isn't, none of it matters. they're both adults, burdened by their choices and by the responsibilities thrust upon them. ] You made the only call you could make. I ...
[ her head shakes. ] I'm glad to hear it, though. I wish we'd had that chance.
[ knows it well and true because he carries her in his hopes and dreams and thoughts no matter what he does and where he goes. She has a hold on his heart that's hers and hers alone. He squeezes her hand just a bit ]
[ i love you. it ought to be easy to say -- she'd admitted it, as much, to others in the months following his disappearance. an elite and trusted few. but now, just when it would be most appropriate to say it to his face, she finds she...can't. it wouldn't be fair; there is no solidity here. no permanence. what if she sowed those seeds, only to leave tomorrow?
she could not break his heart like that. ]
But instead you live alone. [ she exhales. ] You shouldn't be living alone.
[ he smiles a little at her. She will tell him as much again when she'll be much older and it's a concern that he knows will linger with her. He tries, then, for a smile. ]
I'm sorry ma'am. There's this girl who was entirely irreplaceable.
[ she smiles. there's no possible way she couldn't, after an affirmation like his. but there's pain in the corners of her eyes. and hesitation in her words. ]
I don't think anyone's looking to be replaced outright, Steve. But -- you have a new lease on life. You ought to live it.
[ she appears uneasy for a flicker of a moment -- not unhappy, only uneasy. because there are spaces between his words, and within those spaces are big implications. any idiot could assume he means to pursue something irreplaceable here, far from home. but this is steve, after all. and he never did quite learn the hang of talking these things out in a sensible manner.
she breathes out. her chin tilts. her answer is to make a similar vow in return: ] At home, then.
[ he wants, much like her, to tell her the ever evident I love you but the risk of making her sadder is a great one, she had already spoken of so many things that have hurt her.
No, that won't do. There will be a better time for that. When he rises, casts a look at the direction of the door to make certain it's closed - he merely smiles down at her ]
[ he stands. and her eyes follow him -- slow, at first, but soon they take on that furtive quality whenever she's confronted with his full presence. her attention flutters from his face to his shoulders to his arms and back to his face...not quite able to drink him in all at once.
one hand in his, she pulls herself gracefully to her feet. ] Most of the music on the Atroma's network is rubbish, [ she warns him. but they could be dancing to nothing but jackhammer noises and she would love it more than any expert lindy hop. ]
[ it matters very little and he wants to keep their presence as far away as possible. If they are watching, to hell with it but it won't be to their tune.
In the end it's only him in her, pulling her closer into something he had promised her ages and ages ago. A slow sway to a faraway melody ]
[ her form, at least, is faultless. toes situated perfectly, and her fingers nestled gently against his shoulder. elbow, crooked. palm-to-palm. not a lindy hop, indeed. there is no sign of that frenetic, jittering swing. the dance they'd always been destined to dance is something slower, closer, and more intimate than the latest dancehall craze.
she doesn't often feel her nerves, but she feels them now. ] And I told you I'd show you how, [ peggy answers in a voice not far above a whisper. ]
[ following her steps is easy enough. He lacks her skill, is clumsy where she is effortlessly graceful but she leads and he follows, the room, the ship all become insignificant faced with her and him and this moment and they can never go home together but this is certainly the closest thing to home here. ]
[ even in the captain's quarters, there isn't a lot of room to maneuver. but they have no need for room when what's more important is the dwindling space between their bodies. she braces herself against him, and manages to take all her ache and sorrow over the winter soldier, over jim, and over steve thrice-fold and swirl it into these careful, thoughtful steps.
let the atroma watch. this, at least, is nothing that need be secret. even if it feels exponentially more private behind her closed door than their dance at christmas had been. as her shoulder rolls, she remembers the tapped out morse code confession. her thumb, on his shoulder, trembles. she very nearly taps him a new message. but peggy withholds herself. ]
[ he thinks that if he will do what she did, if he will pull her closer to kiss her, it might never end and it's a dangerous trail of thoughts here. Still, she's close and beautiful and here and they've dealt enough hurt for one day. He presses his lips to her forehead, soft and loving and less of a risk.
He may not know much about women but he does see the truth here, if he allows himself, he'll drown in her and they have an audience, after all. ]
[ she intuits his anxiety as it dovetails with her own. he doesn't want to commit to the grander gesture, not because of some deep-seated unwillingness -- but because there's too much to be lost by getting lost in one another. it forces her to be satisfied with his chaste kiss, and to resist escalating things to a point of no return. it doesn't need to be said, but... ]
Bloody audience. [ she murmurs nearly against his neck, underlining precisely the problem that prevents them from saying little vital words or committing themselves more passionately to the moment. there's no question of if or should. peggy isn't prepared to turn their feelings for one another into some twisted uso performance. and it's easy for her to assume that he doesn't, either. his performing days are behind him. ]
Don't remind me, [ she scolds him gently -- delight lurking somewhere between her syllables, even as she sighs out her dismay and lays her head against his chest. perfectly content, for once, to relinquish control of the situation into someone else's sturdy hands. it's a trust she so rarely feels. ] Or I'll be tempted to argue the case, and try and convince you we're truly all alone.
[ there is a gentle huff of air, it would have been laughter but it's quieter and more private. ]
I would have believed you.
[ but let this moment continue as it is, in this little corner in time and space where they are, for a few minutes, peaceful. steve with his arms around her and her pressed just above where his heart is beating perhaps a little faster due to the proximity ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action;
Date: 2016-05-15 11:39 pm (UTC)[ Winn's voice rings through his head, explaining the science behind it. He nods. ]
I heard.
action;
Date: 2016-05-15 11:45 pm (UTC)He went by the name Jim. And he told me how during the battle on that HYDRA train, it was his world's Steve Rogers who fell. He took up his best friend's mantle. He became Captain America.
[ peggy cues up the shield intel file on her device, and leans forward just far enough to show steve: a document outlining the battle of new york against the chitauri -- but there is no ROGERS, STEVE present in the text. only BARNES, JIM. ]
Jim was as good as the Winter Soldier's keeper while he was here. For him, it must have been like trying to help heal a version of himself.
action;
Date: 2016-05-15 11:51 pm (UTC)I'd go with this version of things, if I could.
action;
Date: 2016-05-15 11:53 pm (UTC)And I would wager my very last penny that Jim would say the same thing about your version. [ a hard swallow. ] Our version.
action;
Date: 2016-05-15 11:58 pm (UTC)[ he shakes his head, doesn't let go of her hand ]
At least somewhere out there I did.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:01 am (UTC)You both made your choices. [ remember this speech, steve? ] And I choose to respect those choices. Both alternatives.
[ however much they might hurt her, in the end. ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:14 am (UTC)Peggy -
[ there's so much to say that lies between them and none of it will be enough ]
Coming back home would only have been to you.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:18 am (UTC)[ her head shakes. ] I'm glad to hear it, though. I wish we'd had that chance.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:22 am (UTC)[ knows it well and true because he carries her in his hopes and dreams and thoughts no matter what he does and where he goes. She has a hold on his heart that's hers and hers alone. He squeezes her hand just a bit ]
I do too.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:25 am (UTC)she could not break his heart like that. ]
But instead you live alone. [ she exhales. ] You shouldn't be living alone.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:31 am (UTC)I'm sorry ma'am. There's this girl who was entirely irreplaceable.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:38 am (UTC)I don't think anyone's looking to be replaced outright, Steve. But -- you have a new lease on life. You ought to live it.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:43 am (UTC)[ if fates will have it. Maybe there will come a day where he can finally do what he told bruce to seek with Natasha but. ]
At home.
[ and never here, not after so much as looking at her. All those years and she strikes him as deeply as ever. ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:47 am (UTC)she breathes out. her chin tilts. her answer is to make a similar vow in return: ] At home, then.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 12:58 am (UTC)No, that won't do. There will be a better time for that. When he rises, casts a look at the direction of the door to make certain it's closed - he merely smiles down at her ]
Ma'am, may I have this dance?
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 01:01 am (UTC)one hand in his, she pulls herself gracefully to her feet. ] Most of the music on the Atroma's network is rubbish, [ she warns him. but they could be dancing to nothing but jackhammer noises and she would love it more than any expert lindy hop. ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 01:11 am (UTC)[ it matters very little and he wants to keep their presence as far away as possible. If they are watching, to hell with it but it won't be to their tune.
In the end it's only him in her, pulling her closer into something he had promised her ages and ages ago. A slow sway to a faraway melody ]
I told you I'm not the best at this.
[ but he doesn't step on her, thank goodness ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 01:14 am (UTC)she doesn't often feel her nerves, but she feels them now. ] And I told you I'd show you how, [ peggy answers in a voice not far above a whisper. ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 01:23 am (UTC)You did and you do.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 01:29 am (UTC)let the atroma watch. this, at least, is nothing that need be secret. even if it feels exponentially more private behind her closed door than their dance at christmas had been. as her shoulder rolls, she remembers the tapped out morse code confession. her thumb, on his shoulder, trembles. she very nearly taps him a new message. but peggy withholds herself. ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 01:41 am (UTC)He may not know much about women but he does see the truth here, if he allows himself, he'll drown in her and they have an audience, after all. ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 02:03 am (UTC)Bloody audience. [ she murmurs nearly against his neck, underlining precisely the problem that prevents them from saying little vital words or committing themselves more passionately to the moment. there's no question of if or should. peggy isn't prepared to turn their feelings for one another into some twisted uso performance. and it's easy for her to assume that he doesn't, either. his performing days are behind him. ]
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 02:11 am (UTC)[ he smiles a little if only because she hits the nail on the head in two words, the edge of frustration at this entire setting. Lightly he adds: ]
You know, there are theories that they're not even there.
action;
Date: 2016-05-16 02:16 am (UTC)action;
Date: 2016-05-17 05:49 pm (UTC)I would have believed you.
[ but let this moment continue as it is, in this little corner in time and space where they are, for a few minutes, peaceful. steve with his arms around her and her pressed just above where his heart is beating perhaps a little faster due to the proximity ]
action;
From:action;
From: