uprightness | ɪᴄ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀᴄᴛ

[ i'm fine, that was the mantra only no one really bought it. instead, there was hermione and there was natasha and bucky and they kept him more or less focused. but in the wake of nightly terrors, steve would pace much like she had done, worrying about atroma tormenting her with the same images.

as it turns out, his assumption wasn't entirely far-fetched - it simply include different horrors. he takes her hand in his. ]

none of it was your fault. somehow these things always happen at the same time.

[ he sighs and looks at her ]

I know I can't solve this one for you, but if there's anything I can do.

[ he nods. just say the word isn't said but is heavily implied. ]

-- You could try coming out of the ice a few decades early.

[ she means to make a joke. it falls flat when she feels its sting, and finds herself missing some elemental piece of their easy familiarity. her fresh memories make the grief that much sharper.

but his hand in hers helps. their fingers lace. ]

Believe me, I would have done it years ago if I knew how.

[ he smiles but the confession is rather telling. there doesn't seem to be a conflict of any sort between the world he left and the world he woke up at, none at all. in truth, steve always knew home was a concept he lost somewhere between the ice and the 21st century. ]

I'm not that good at science, though.

More's the pity.

[ mercenary, maybe. but she doesn't mind admitting (it seems) that she wishes she could have him instead of the future holding him hostage. it's got big problems; he's a big solution. still, she covets him. enough to keep his coordinates in her memory and -- yes, with a breath of relief -- she realizes she remembers those too.

luckily, the conversation skirts the very edge of her having to admit to knowing them. ]

I'm afraid there's not much to be done. Whitney Frost must be stopped: that's all. Easier said than done, considering Jarvis shot her at what was as good as point blank range and she still got up again.

Everyone has a weakness. Even that woman.

[ even those who seem to be quite beyond anything human. steve thinks of the winter soldier and the hulk and gives her hand a reassuring squeeze. ]

It's just a matter of finding it but there's something. there's always something.

[ he hums, considering it ]

you'll figure it out. maybe it's not as likely as shooting her but something will stop her.

[ lord, he's rather happy it's one problem that doesn't haunt these halls. ]

Our only lead is -- oh, hell, what did Samberly call it. [ a click of her fingers. ] Gamma radiation. Howard sent through designs for a cannon that could shoot the stuff at...

[ she trails off, rubbing the bridge of her nose. ] The science isn't my strongest suit either, I'm afraid.

He wants to shoot Gamma rays?

[ steve turns, sharp and startled. he can't blame the man, it's howard stark's son who would meet the result of gamma rays but still. ]

if that thing somehow ends up here in any way, we gotta destroy it. He shouldn't - gamma radiation isn't really something one should mess with.

[ never mind shoot out of a cannon ]

it might make her stronger if she's anywhere near it.

[ in a horrible, horrible way. ]

It doesn't. [ make her stronger. which is to say, the rays have already been shot. the cannon has already been fired. ] And it's how we just about barely managed to contain an atomic explosion that threatened to tear a fresh hole into wherever-the-devil Zero Matter comes from.

[ and because (just maybe) she's feeling sore that he sees fit to lecture her at all: ] Without it, our best asset in bringing Isodyne to bear -- a Doctor Jason Wilkes -- would have surely been killed.

-- He's already done it.

[ aw jeez. he groans, covering his face with a palm. ]

it has consequences. The first time I heard about gamma rays was after I woke up from the ice. Gamma rays - the one person exposed to them is Bruce Banner. He's - the Hulk.

[ though he likes to think he would have heard of another hulk sometimes in the 40s, maybe it's all okay anyway. ]

He worked with gamma radiation and ended up changing into - well. you heard about him, right? he turns into the Hulk whenever he's angry.

[ he frowns ]

it's what got him to join the Avengers at a time. they needed someone who understands gamma rays since - well. apparently, red skull's weapon left traces of it.

[ she doesn't stomach well the way steve covers his face, nor the way he frowns, nor even the tone he takes when he dares to outline the very dangers of what's dealt with. her chest puffs; her dander rises. ]

Your Bruce Banner, [ she huffs, ] likely comes a great deal of years after my little predicament, yes? Seems a bit futile to get shirty with me over data I won't have.

[ she looks stern with him -- her walls are instantly up, no matter how tightly she holds his hand. ]

We're doing the best we can with the intel we've got.

I know you are. It's more than I can say for what's been going on in the 21st century.

[ keeping the Tesseract, trying to harvest its power - it's hubris at its worst and it brought such terrible, terrible results. ]

I'm not getting - [ did she say shirty? what does that even - ] shirty -

[ there's no way this is a word. ]

I'm just worried, that's all. I'm sorry, you're right.

[ she is, he realizes. lord, he wishes he could chase away the thoughts of banner ]

I just - it'll sound stupid but it's one of those things I wish wouldn't have ended up discovered. gamma rays, the Tesseract, infinity stones.

[ the list is getting longer as of late ]

I don't doubt you, never had.

It sounds like you are. [ doubting me. and although the opinions of others never much mattered, steve's certainly does. nowadays, at any rate. his 'sorry' barely registers, but his list of all else certainly does. she makes not of each and every one. what the devil is an infinity stone, for one.

she shakes her head. ] I made a call; I don't need you sitting here leveling criticism at it. If it was you, left back in '47 and confronted with the same choice, I'm convinced you would have done the same.

[ -- she hopes he would have. she dreams he might have. peggy tries to live her life based on his example, a fact made evident in the memories he'd seen during calibrations. this counterargument now treads dangerously close to that same sentiment. it's enough to put colour high in her cheeks. ]

I wish we could have tested it. I really do.

[ he says, not without a hint of tension of his own, not without a tone of warning. lord knows what he'd give to be left back in his proper place in time. it wasn't perfect but god, it was home and steve does miss home.

but that's not peggy's fault and it's not her doing that steve simply knows too much and knowing too much has always come with a price. ]

I would have.

[ he nods.he's been so defensive of it all; Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff, fury had said and steve nearly lost his temper. ]

I know I would have.

[ on this -- all of a sudden, on this, he doesn't fight back. he admits to what she's posited and she sees no raised fists in his words. no bullheaded bollocksing difficulty presented just for her to swerve and weave. it leaves her with nowhere to point her restlessness or her dismay. nowhere, really, but inward.

thoughtless (because she doesn't remember it healing half-so-well) she pushes a hand under her pajama top and rubs at the scar that had healed twice over now. something tells her it ought to still burn and sting the way it did back home.

with a grunt, she slumps backward onto the bed. not a surrender -- just an easing of the guard. ]

She can't have children. Not now. [ so she loops back to ana. as painful as it is, it's clearly a safer subject for the pair of them. ] How am I meat to explain any of this to Jarvis? Should I explain any of this to Jarvis? I don't see how I have any right to keep it from him -- not now.

Knowing the future is always complicated.

[ he can't offer her any sound advice save for his own troubled thoughts of the matters ]

sometimes when we love people we spare them. I don't know - it'll happen anyway but.

[ he shrugs. he would have hidden her funeral from her if he could. he still keeps the secret of a vase full of peonies. ]

whatever happens, he'll have you for support. going through this with someone is a little easier. you just do what you think best, Pegs.

[ he smiles a bit ]

you're his best friend, here. no one knows better than you.

-- He tried to murder a woman over it. [ which, alright, peggy can understand the inclination for revenge. it's terribly human. ] And that woman might not be here, but it's not as though Mister Jarvis isn't in a delicate spot already what with learning about Howard's death and...

[ and that's precisely when she snaps her mouth shut and sits back up -- quick, stiff, and upset. she'd never meant to say as much. she'd purposefully hidden that revelation from steve the first time around, and not so she could just casually reveal it now. ]

Something's wrong.

[ she blanches. ]

Can't blame him.

[ hell if someone had touched her here, steve would have been as unstoppable as the infamous winter soldier, fueled by his anger.

he startles, moving back. her mood changes so quickly that he almost doesn't register the moment it shifts about ]

what is it? Peg?

Ask me something. Ask me anything.

[ a waggle of her hand, whipping the air as if to encourage him. ]

Something I wouldn't normally want to answer. Go on -- quick.

---- But I don't want to ask you something you wouldn't want to answer.

[ he's sporting the rather frightened look he wore when she fired four bullets at him ]

Good Lord, man. Just do as I say and ask a bloody question.

[ she runs roughshod over his fear while carding fingers through her hair. there's a leading edge of panic in her voice. she knows this feeling; it'd attached itself to her conversation once before, back when they'd been on that faction-split system. the truth had come too easily then also. ]

I need to make certain of something and I'd much rather make certain with you than anyone else.

[ almost romantic, if not for the way she squeezes motivation into his hand. ]

[ were he any other man, he might have asked her about the ring but steve frantically searches for a safe topic, one he could ask of without any serious repercussions. ]

-- why do you hate coffee so much?

[ there. safe enough. ]

-- It's all I did at the SSR after the war. Cups and cups and carafes of the stuff. 'Marge, bring us some coffee,' all bloody day long. The smell turns my stomach.

[ quick and sharp like rifle-shot. too many details are volunteered; she shakes her head.

and yet. and yet there's so much more he could have asked, and she can't help but blurt: ] Christ, I love you.

[ because he asked about coffee. what a saint. ]

-- they called you Marge?

[ oh hell, maybe it's better he wasn't there. he can't stand it at all, not his best girl turned into a barista by a couple of inadequate jerks - ]

well.

[ he is so very confused, evidently. still, he smiles, brings her palm to his lips ]

I love you too, Peg, more than anything, really - but I have a feeling I'm missing something here.

Thompson does. Among other names. [ she huffs, shaking her head. there's a visible wince the moment the words leave her lips. ] Neither detail is something I'd ordinarily tell anyone. Not even you.

[ she meets his eyes with an unhappy shrug. ]

[ it takes him a moment to put two and two together before - ]

I see.

[ well that's not good at all. and just when she acquired all these new memories she's not sure what to do with. he sighs, he could kill the atroma. ]

alright. let's think - we can get through this. we just need a plan. these things never last too long. you'll need to avoid one-on-ones and then maybe we could make it work. don't worry.

[ he may not be able to go back in time and solve her gamma ray and whitney frost problem but surely this, here, is doable. ]

we'll figure something out. in the mean time, I'm not asking you anything at all anymore, until we're sure it passed.

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